


Touch Me Like You Mean It

by warqueenfuriosa



Series: I'm Craving You [2]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, Reader-Insert, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-12 20:56:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9090430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warqueenfuriosa/pseuds/warqueenfuriosa
Summary: After Reader gets hurt on a mission, Cassian is more than a little concerned for her safety. Sequel to "All is Fair in Love and War".





	

**Author's Note:**

> After the incredible responses for "All is Fair in Love and War", the brain minions happened to cook up a sequel for your reading pleasure. Thank you so much for reading, for your lovely, wonderful comments, and for crushing on Cassian Andor with me!! XOXO

Well…I _could_ get used to having Cassian Andor around if he would just sit still for a goddamn second.

Come morning, I woke to find Cassian already dressed and hurrying out of the room without saying a word to me. An unwelcome sting blossomed in my chest as the door closed on the sight of his retreating back. He was busy, I knew that. He had responsibilities, things to do, galaxies to save. The rest of the universe didn’t stop for me and a man like Cassian certainly wouldn’t either.

I just hoped he would come back to me at the end of the day…

I didn’t want to smother him, didn’t want to distract him from his duties either…I only wanted a moment, to say hi, to brush my fingers over his hand and feel the warmth of his skin again. To ease the sting from his leaving so early in silence. Something was nagging at me about it, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on and I was absolutely sure if I could look Cassian in the eye, that nagging feeling would go away.

Maybe.

But I couldn’t pin him down for hours. He darted from one task to the next and the only time I saw him was in passing, too much distance and too many people between us. By the time I reached the spot he’d been standing seconds ago, he was gone, set off on some other task to see to.

I finally managed to catch up to him in a relatively empty hallway with K2. I herded him back against the wall, one hand resting lightly at his hip, a gentle, silent request. _Please stay._

“Hey,” I said softly. “You ran out pretty early this morning. Everything okay?”

He blew out a breath and smiled slightly. “Yeah, sure.” He shrugged. “It’s been one of those days. What can go wrong, will go wrong.”

I nodded. Didn’t need to tell me that. Since the second I woke up today, it seemed everything was off-kilter and I couldn’t put things right side up again, no matter how hard I tried.

Cassian started to move past me but I pressed my fingers into his hip now, tighter, not a request or a suggestion this time.

“Cassian,” I said. “You’re not avoiding me, are you?”

He raised his eyebrows and shook his head. “No, absolutely not. I promise.”

“Please don’t.”

He frowned. “What?”

“Don’t make promises if you don’t mean it. I can’t stand that. Especially from you.”

He ducked his head for a second and when he raised his gaze to meet mine again, my breath stuttered at how deadly serious he looked.

“You know me,” he said, voice soft. “I don’t make promises lightly. Especially to you.”

He pushed away from the wall and took a step closer. I leaned forward out of habit, ready to melt against him like I always did the second he touched me.

“I promise, sweetheart,” he said. “I’m not avoiding you.”

“The captain is correct,” K2 added. “There has been an unusually large amount of demands placed on his time today.”

I bit back a sigh and slid my hand from Cassian’s hip to his waist, an unspoken invitation and an apology in one. But his arms remained at his sides, thumbs hooked in his pockets. Instead of reaching for me in response, he glanced over his shoulder and the movement felt like a rush of cold through my veins.

After hours of hunting him down, after finally getting my hands on him for mere seconds…he was slipping out of my grasp again. This was how it was going to be all the time. Cassian would always be on the move and as much as it wasn’t exactly a pleasant thought, I could come to terms with it.

But something wasn’t right. Like Cassian wanted to get away from me as soon as possible and _that_ I could not come to terms with.

“Look, I have to go,” he said, his words pitched low in a whisper. “I’m supposed to meet with Mon Mothma in a few minutes. Can we talk later?”

What could I say to that? No? That he had to stay and talk things through with me because I was feeling a little weird? I couldn’t…wouldn’t…make Cassian choose me or the Rebellion. That wasn’t fair to him. I loved him for his dedication, for the fight in his blood, and I would never take that away from him.

I nodded and said nothing. For the second time in one horrible, terrible day, I watched Cassian walk away from me. And I was left standing there with the smell of leather and engine oil and cloves, fading and faint.

[][][]

I did everything I could to forget about it but it wasn’t easy. With my injury still tender and sore, I was assigned to the ground, not allowed any kind of work that would put a physical strain on me. So I found my mind drifting back to Cassian anyway. Why hadn’t he touched me when he had been so ready and willing to the night before? Why had he looked so eager to bolt at the first opportunity that came along?

I was probably getting worked up over nothing. There had been a lingering softness to his tone when he spoke and that firm, unwavering gentleness in his eyes when he looked at me that told me he still cared. And he promised, too. Cassian always kept his promises, I knew that.

But the memory remained. Standing in front of Cassian, craving his touch, his warmth, his comfort, only for one sweet moment…and having that one sweet moment slip through my fingers as he walked away. That nagging in the back of my mind only grew and wouldn’t leave me alone.

At the end of the day, I found myself passing Cassian’s quarters. I stopped. Looked at his door.

And I kept going.

Then I swore under my breath and doubled back to open his door. His quarters were empty. Of course. The thought of waiting for him was bittersweet. I hadn’t waited for anyone before. But Cassian wasn’t just anyone and if I could talk to him for a few minutes, maybe find out if something was wrong, that was worth a shot at least.

I kicked off my boots and settled on the end of Cassian’s bed.

When he showed up hours later, I had dozed off, at some point winding up on the floor with my back against the foot of the bed, my head resting on my knees. The door slid open and Cassian crouched in front of me, barely touching my elbow with two fingers.

“Sweetheart, what are you doing here?” he whispered.

I rubbed my eyes and pushed myself to my feet. Instead of responding, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him to me. For a moment, one dread-filled moment, he stood there and didn’t move. My heart thundered in panic against my ribs. Was he not going to touch me again?

Then his hands settled so very, very lightly on my hips and he let out a breath of relief, tucking his face deeper into my shoulder. He felt heavy in my arms with exhaustion, as if the second I stepped back, he’d simply drop where he was standing, too tired to make it to the bed. I kissed the side of his neck and carefully pulled away far enough to look him in the eye.

“You’re half dead on your feet,” I said quietly.

He managed a weak smile. “It’s been a long day.”

I took his hands and led him to the bed. He didn’t protest as I peeled his clothes off and eased him back against the pillows. I wrapped myself around him and pressed a kiss between his shoulder blades. My palm came to rest above his heart as his pulse slowed, his breathing evened out, and sleep took him within seconds.

Guilt wormed its way through my stomach. He was exhausted, that was all. Pulled too many directions at once.

Through my own haze of oncoming sleep, I felt his heartbeat speed up, his breathing grow too shallow and too fast. Then he was out of my arms, sitting bolt upright in bed, sucking in gulps of air.

My eyes flew open and I reached out to him, carefully placing a hand on his back.

“Cassian?” I whispered.

He jerked at my touch. I moved my hand away.

“It’s just me,” I said.

He took in a shuddering breath then scrubbed a hand over his face. He kept his back to me as his breathing slowed down.

“Bad dream?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Do you want to talk…?”

“No,” he cut in, his voice hoarse and raw. He cleared his throat and tried again, softer this time. “No. Thank you.”

Inching closer to him, I slid my hand around his waist. He flinched, only a little, then relaxed as I kissed his shoulder.

“Is there something I can do to fix it?” I asked.

He shook his head.

I hesitated before asking the next question, but I forced myself to say it anyway.

“Would you like to be alone? I can leave if you…”

“No,” he cut in again, not as sharp this time, but there was an edge of something buried in his tone all the same. He put a hand on my knee. “Stay. Please.”

I wanted to push him. I wanted to pester him and poke him and ask what the hell was going on because I hated seeing him like this, tense and upset and about ready to snap at the first noise that was anything above a whisper. Instead, I sat with him in the dark and waited.

After a while, with nothing said between us, he laid back again with a sigh, one hand over his eyes. I tucked myself into his side, my arm across his chest, my thumb smoothing over his ribs. He brought his hand up and curled his fingers over my wrist.

Cassian was restless all night after that. He dozed on and off but when he began to slip deeper into sleep, he startled awake again. Not as violently as that first time, but it was enough to warn me that he wasn’t allowing himself to let his guard down, wasn’t allowing himself to relax and finally rest the way he needed to after being on his feet all day.

When morning came, neither one of us had slept much. I wanted nothing more than to bury my face in the pillow and ignore that the day had started. But Cassian was up and moving already, retrieving his clothes and getting dressed. Again, he didn’t say anything to me and I worried he would slip out before I could catch him.

I pushed off the bed and came up behind him, sliding my arms around him, my cheek pressed to his back. He paused, his shirt dangling from his fingers, and his arms dropped to his sides. For a moment, the fight melted out of him and he placed his hands over mine.

“I know you don’t want to talk right now,” I said. “But if you need me, I’m here.”

He stiffened and tugged his shirt over his head. He was distancing himself from me again, tugging his boots on as he headed out the door.

“I may be late tonight, too,” he said, “so don’t wait up for me.”

Then he was gone.

[][][]

It was hard seeing Cassian leave on a mission without me. I ached to go with him but I had orders and he insisted that I obey them. So I stood in the loading bay, watching him give directions as his ship was loaded up with the last of the cargo. Then K2 climbed aboard and Cassian was right on his heels.

Oh _hell_ no.

I was trying. Trying to give him space. Trying to not put any more demands on his time than he already had. Trying to let him work out whatever was bothering him. But I drew the line at going off-world without a word to me.

“Don’t you dare get on that ship, Andor,” I said.

Cassian startled, half-way to pulling himself inside. I crossed my arms. He said something to K2 and hurried over to me.

“You were going to leave without saying goodbye,” I said.

“No, it’s just…”

“Cassian.”

He turned his head, looked out across the loading bay for a moment. I took a step towards him and placed my hand in the middle of his chest. He closed his eyes and let out a very, very small breath.

“It’s a supply drop off, sweetheart,” he said. “That’s all. No big deal.”

But there was a hitch in his voice, as if he was saying it to convince himself instead of me. And it wasn’t working.

“I don’t care,” I replied. “You’re leaving this base, Cassian. Without me. And I am insecure and emotional and kind of attached to you. So please, humor me here.”

He smiled a little and reached up to brush his thumb over my chin. _Finally._ About damn time. Maybe I really had been worrying over nothing.

“A kiss would be nice,” I said. “If it’s not too much trouble.”

He tipped my chin up and laughed, a deep, husky rumble against my mouth as he kissed me. It felt so good to hear him laugh again after the nightmare of last night. His hand came to rest on my waist but it was almost…hesitant. As if I would shatter if he really, truly touched me.

I took his hand and slid his arm further around my waist. I pulled on his jacket to draw him closer. He never held back before so why now? Wherever this new hesitancy was coming from, I was getting rid of it as soon as possible.

“Captain,” K2 said, poking his head out of the ship. “I do not wish to interrupt your make-out session but if we don’t leave…”

Cassian growled as he pulled away from me with a glare at K2. “Not so loud.”

“Is that not what you are engaged in? Public displays of affection are…”

“K-Two! I’ll…I’ll be there in a minute.”

K2 stared, waiting. Cassian pointed to the ship and K2 nodded, ducking back inside. I tugged on Cassian’s belt and pressed one last kiss to his jawline before I pushed him away.

“Go,” I said. “Don’t do anything stupid while you’re out there.”

He spread his hands as he backed away from me. “Now you’re just taking the fun out of everything.”

“And don’t kiss any other pretty girls when you’re away either. I don’t like it and I have a gun so don’t piss me off.”

He grinned, mischievous and boyish, and it made my heart skip up my throat. He had been stretched so thin with responsibilities and war over the past few days and it felt so good to see him smile freely, making him look younger, lighter. Happy. I’d do anything to keep that smile on his face…

For a brief, dizzying moment, he returned to my side, interlaced his fingers with mine and leaned in to kiss my cheek.

“Never gonna happen, sweetheart,” he whispered.

[][][]

Two hours after Cassian left, one of my pilot buddies, DeWitt, tracked me down as I was changing my bandages.

“I have a teeny tiny favor to ask,” she said, poking her head into my room.

“That usually means something huge and inconveniencing when it’s coming from you,” I replied without looking up.

“Touchy touchy.”

“Spit it out, DeWitt.”

She sighed and sprawled on the bed next to me. “I need an Ubese translator. The only three on the base are out on missions. You’re the last one left.”

“For what?”

“A few parts on my ship have to be replaced but the guy I buy from cheats left and right and sideways. You have to threaten him and keep him on his toes so I’m not broke by the end of the day.”

“Maybe if you chose a more reputable dealer…”

“You sound like my mother.”

I tossed the roll of bandages aside. “Not winning points here. You still owe me for the last three times I did a favor for you. Besides, I’m supposed to be resting.”

DeWitt snorted and cast an annoyed look up at me. “Oh please. You’ve been wobbling around as soon as you could stand on your own two feet. It’s only to Serenno. I’ll have you on base again before your boyfriend gets back.”

I paused, the hem of my shirt still rolled up in my hands. Boyfriend. I hadn’t thought of Cassian that way. Maybe I was too hesitant to call him that, at least for now.

Either way, he’d kill me if I went off world when I was supposed to stay on the ground. Especially when he wasn’t there to look out for me. Well, he’d have to live with it. And I was getting itchy spending so much time on the ground anyway. I missed being in the sky.

“Only if I get the pilot’s seat,” I said.

“Deal.”

[][][]

The parts dealer was worse than DeWitt made him out to be. He tried to swindle us blind but with the right amount of posturing, a little fiddling with the blasters at my hips, the dealer finally came to his senses.

As DeWitt towed the parts back to her ship through the crowded streets of Serenno, she nudged me with her shoulder.

“You totally got a steal for me,” she said.

“So you owe me even more now,” I replied. “And it’s about time you…”

I stopped. Cassian was leaning against DeWitt’s ship, arms crossed, shoulders rigid. Every line in his body screamed agitation and a low, simmering fury that I rarely saw on him. He spotted me in the crowd and straightened, pushing away from the ship, but the grim look on his face remained set in place.

“Hey,” I said, my voice deceptively light despite the dread gnawing at my stomach. “I thought you were supposed to be…”

“You had orders to stay on Yavin Four,” he cut in, clipped and short.

DeWitt pointed to her ship. “I’m going to…not be here.”

Cassian didn’t acknowledge her, didn’t take his gaze away from me. Just kept staring, the muscle in his jaw clamped tight.

“DeWitt needed some help,” I said. “We were picking up a few parts. I was careful.”

“That’s not the point.”

I struggled to pin my annoyance down but it was quickly getting out of hand and a slight edge seeped into my voice anyway.

“Cassian,” I said. “I’m fine. Really, I am.”

He surged forward, inches away from my face, dark and intense and thunderous.

“ _Stop_ saying that,” he hissed through gritted teeth. “You were fucking _impaled_ barely two weeks ago. That blade came within an inch, _one inch,_ of hitting your spine. And what do I find when I get back to base? You’re gone. You shouldn’t even be out of bed, let alone on another planet.”

“I realize you’re concerned but…”

“Don’t. Don’t tell me there’s nothing to worry about. I’m the one who had to keep you from bleeding out. I’m the one who had to make sure you didn’t choke on your own goddamn blood. You’re acting like nothing happened but it sure as hell did so don’t tell me everything is fine. Because it’s not even _close_ to being _fine_.”

I blinked, startled. In the few times Tatooine came up, I knew Cassian had been mad at himself but his anger had never been directed at me like this before.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

I reached out to touch him but he took a step back and his gaze dropped to the ground. With that one tiny motion, it felt as if I’d been stabbed all over again and my breath caught in my throat. He actually moved away from me. And the three feet of space between us, that interminable space, felt like a gaping chasm.

“Just…” He sighed and closed his eyes. “Let me take you home. And please, dear god, please stay there until you’re fully healed.”

“Okay,” I said, my voice small in the silence.

I told DeWitt that I was riding with Cassian then followed him out of the city to where he’d left his ship. K2 already had the co-pilot seat so I had no choice but to sit in the back and I couldn’t help but feel shunned, like a child scolded by her parent.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” I said, desperate to break the crushing, suffocating silence, desperate to have Cassian not be angry with me anymore because it hurt. It hurt so, so much.

But Cassian made no reply and kept his gaze trained straight ahead as the ship rose from the ground and flew above the city.

“I was only gone for an hour or two,” I continued. “I thought I’d get back before you did and you wouldn’t even know anything had happened.”

Cassian huffed a dry laugh and shook his head. “You realize that only makes it worse.”

“I didn’t want you to worry.”

He twisted around in his seat to look at me now for the first time since his outburst. But it was bittersweet. I had his attention all right, but it wasn’t the kind of attention I wanted, not from him. Never from him.

“Did you not hear a word I said?” he demanded. “You almost died. Do you understand that? Am I not making that clear enough?”

“Yes, I get it, okay? I said I was sorry. What more do you want?”

“I want you to understand that what you did was selfish and stupid.”

My eyebrows shot up. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

“Oh I sure did. And I don’t appreciate it.”

Cassian growled and shoved out of his chair, whipping around to face me. His head was tilted to the side, chin jutting out, all challenge, ready and willing to get this argument into a blazing battle. He’d been saving up for this, probably simmering the whole flight over to get me until he had finally reached his boiling point and this was it.

“Do you think the rules don’t apply to you?” he said. “That you can do whatever you want and ignore direct orders?”

“Whoa, slow down, that’s taking it a little far…”

“ _I’m_ taking things too far? You went behind my back! Did you really think I wouldn’t figure it out?”

“Hey!” I snapped. “Ignoring direct orders, I can deal with that. But I didn’t go behind your back.”

“Then you were planning on telling me you went off base?”

“No, since…”

“You see my point.”

K2 peered around his chair. “Pardon me.”

“If you’d listen for a second,” I said, ignoring K2, “I would gladly explain that the orders didn’t come from you so I don’t have to answer to you about my actions.”

Cassian flinched as if I had slapped him. “You’re right. I’m just the person who watches your back every time you jump into trouble head first without thinking about anyone but yourself.”

“Pardon me!” K2 repeated, louder this time.

But Cassian and I were going at it full tilt now and neither one of us was about to stop. The taste of blood was in our mouths, the heady buzz of adrenaline pumping hot in our veins with the rush of the fight. This was different than any of our bickering before when we poked and pestered until we shoved away from each other out of annoyance.

This was brutal, raw, and cruel in the most senseless way. We knew each other’s weaknesses now. We knew where to bite and scratch and tear at the ugliest parts to leave behind the most pain, the deepest scars. I hated it, hated being at odds with him, hated myself for the sharp words tumbling from my mouth, hated knowing full well I was hurting him when that was the last thing I ever wanted to do.

“I’m not a selfish person,” I said, “for doing my job, the same as you.”

Cassian growled. “You don’t have a job right now. The only thing you’re supposed to be doing is letting your body heal.”

K2 slammed his fist on the alarm button of the console panel and sent shrill screeching through the small ship. Cassian and I stopped, shoulders hitched up around our ears. K2 stared at us until Cassian pushed past him and shut the alarm button off.

“What is it?” Cassian said, voice rough.

K2 pointed to a meter on the dashboard. “It appears our ship’s fuel lines have been severed.”

“ _What?”_ Cassian and I said together.

“It’s the only logical explanation,” K2 continued. “At the rate of speed we are losing fuel, it would seem someone has tampered with the ship.”

It wasn’t hard to piece together. I hadn’t exactly made friends with a certain disreputable parts dealer. Which meant this was my fault…

“You’re sure?” I asked.

K2 nodded. “Quite positive. I checked the fuel lines three weeks ago and they had just been replaced.”

The ship lurched to the side. Cassian latched onto the pilot’s seat at the same time that he reached for me, hand clamped around my wrist.

“Options, K2?” Cassian asked.

K2 poked a few buttons. “While you were arguing, I took the liberty of steering us in the direction of the closest planet, a small forested moon.  We have officially run out of fuel but if we control our fall properly…”

Before Cassian could reply, the ship gave a hard lurch and the thrusters shut off, sending the ship into freefall. Cassian and I were flung to the back of the ship so hard, my head cracked against the wall and I blanked for a moment as pain rocketed through my brain.

But somehow, Cassian still managed to keep a bruising grip on my wrist. The ship plummeted, dragged down by the small moon’s gravitational pull. Cassian drew me tight against his chest and hooked an arm around my shoulders seconds before the ship hit the ground and everything went dark.

[][][]

My head felt like it was splitting in two. A gentle, steady drumming sound echoed around me and I slowly, carefully opened my eyes. Rivulets of rain coursed down the windshield against the rich green of a forest canopy. The ship’s console was black and dead but I could just make out K2’s silhouette against the windshield, slumped to the side and motionless.

Memories flooded to my mind all at once. The ship’s severed fuel lines. Free-falling through space. Crashing on an unknown planet.

_Cassian._

I sat bolt upright then groaned at the hot spike of pain that lanced through my head, directly above my right eye. I pressed a hand to my forehead, my fingers slick with warm, thick wetness that I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, was probably blood. But I didn’t care. With my other hand, I patted around in the dark until I brushed against the rough, worn leather of Cassian’s jacket. I curled my fingers into the fabric and tugged.

“Cassian?” I said, my hand gliding over his jacket until I found the warm skin at his throat, butterfly pulse fluttering beneath my fingertips.

He mumbled and pushed himself up into the thin gray light from the windshield filtering down to us where we lay at the opposite end of the ship. He rubbed at his shoulder with a grimace then glanced at me.

“You’re bleeding,” he said as he took my face in his hands and tilted my head to the side.

“I would say I’m fine but…”

He shot an impatient look at me. I finished anyway.

“…I know I’m not.”

He pressed his lips into a tight line and hummed, neither agreeing nor disagreeing.

“What about you?” I asked.

“Bruised, that’s all.”

He rose to his feet shakily, his hand braced against the wall of the ship.

“K-Two?” he called.

Silence.

Cassian cursed under his breath and made his way forward. He cursed again, sharper and more explosive this time as he pulled K2 up to a sitting position.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Hit the console so hard he severed a few wires.”

“Can you fix him?”

“Maybe. Depends what I have on hand.”

I tried to stand up but it felt as if the floor pitched and rolled beneath me. I closed my eyes and dropped back down again with a small sound of surprise, one hand pressed to my aching head. Cassian rustled around at the console for a second or two before he was at my side, placing a clean, dry cloth to my forehead. When I opened my eyes, a lantern had been turned on and set in the middle of the floor, filling the ship with golden light.

“Take it easy,” he said. “Look at me.”

I raised my head and met his gaze. The fire in his eyes was still there, a lingering resentful burn, but concern had tempered it considerably, tamped it down and made him simply warm again instead of blazing hot under the collar.

“Pupils are dilating a little slow,” he said. “Probably have a mild concussion. Stay still for a few more minutes to be on the safe side.”

“What about your shoulder?” I asked.

“It’s f…”

“If you say it’s fine…” I warned.

He sighed, sagging slightly with defeat. I plucked at his collar and peeled his shirt to the side. A livid purple bruise bloomed from his right shoulder, over his spine and down half of his rib cage.

“ _Jesus_ ,” I whispered, tentatively brushing my hand over the bruise.

He arched away from me and even though he didn’t say anything, his jaw was clenched too tight and he kept his gaze trained on a spot above my head as he fought to stay composed.

“Just bruised, my ass,” I said. “You’re lucky if you don’t have a couple broken ribs to go with that.”

He tugged his shirt back on and I felt him pulling away. We might not be at each other’s throats anymore, at least for the time being while we figured out how to get the ship up and running, but the scent of blood from our fight was still hazy in the air, hanging over us.

Before I could say anything, Cassian was all business again, focused on his ship and I left him to it. Bickering with each other was one thing. It didn’t mean much, getting on each other’s nerves for the heck of it. But fighting all out the way we had…I didn’t want to pick that up anytime soon. Or repeat it ever again.

Cassian retrieved a container from the overhead storage compartment and fished around inside until he found a flashlight.

“I’ll go take a look and see how much damage the crash caused,” he said. “If we can get by with replacing the lines and the fuel, K-Two and the rest of the damage can be repaired back at the base.”

“Be careful out there,” I said.

He paused by the door and glanced at me. I could have sworn he softened, visibly deflating from his thunderstorm appearance earlier.

“I will,” he said quietly. “Please don’t move until I get back?”

I nodded. “I will.”

[][][]

I sat alone in the dim interior of the ship, listening to the steady thrum of the rain and waited for Cassian to return. I leaned back against the ship and the shift of movement felt as if my skin was splitting open where the scar tissue along my ribs was still tender. Carefully, I eased my shirt up to find the bandages were smeared with blood. The rough landing probably tore a few stitches. Cassian was going to _kill_ me…

The door opened and I shoved my shirt back down as Cassian stepped inside, soaked to the skin and dripping wet.

“How bad is it?” I asked.

“One wing is a little crumpled,” he replied, shaking his hair out of his eyes. “But half of the ship is lodged in a swamp. And all this water won’t be good for getting the engine started again.”

“So what do we do?”

“Replace the fuel lines first, fill her up again, and hope that’s enough to get us flying.”

I nodded and pushed to my feet. He put out his hand in a staying gesture.

“Hey, no,” he said, “don’t move.”

“You can’t fix the fuel lines by yourself. It’s a two person job. At least.”

“I’ll manage.”

“Cassian, you can’t physically be in two places at once.”

“I’ll figure something out.”

“Why can’t I help?”

“Because you’ve been stabbed and now you have a concussion. I really don’t need you getting hurt anymore.”

I sighed and tossed the cloth aside. “This is my fault, you know. I pissed off that parts dealer and it’s not fair you’re gigged because he wanted to get back at me. DeWitt’s ship is probably screwed too but I can’t do anything to fix that. So let me fix this. Please.”

He eyed me for a moment, silent, and turned back to the storage compartment to retrieve his tool box. His silence was answer enough and hurt just as much as his heated words from our argument earlier. He found the spare fuel lines and headed for the door again.

“Cassian,” I said, softly, quietly.

He stopped, head bowed.

“I messed up,” I said. “I shouldn’t have left Yavin Four. And I’m really sorry.”

For several seconds, he stood there, not saying anything, not moving. I ached to reach out and touch him, to reassure him, to soothe the tender, scraped raw wounds that we had inflicted on each other.

Finally, Cassian grabbed the heaviest coat he had from the storage compartment. He crossed the ship to stand in front of me and as he draped the coat around my shoulders, I felt myself leaning forward, my eyes closed, breathing in leather and engine oil and cloves, now dampened by the smell of rain.

“You have to promise to listen to me this time,” he said, gentle yet firm.

“I always listen to you, Cassian,” I replied as he buttoned my jacket. “It’s the part where I’m supposed to do what I’m told that gets a little tricky.”

He reached for my hood, his arms stretched out over my shoulders, and for a moment, one blissful moment, I felt the welcoming heat radiating off of him. It wouldn’t take much, to press my face to his shoulder, to slide my hands around his waist and up his back.

Then he flipped the hood over my head and it fell past my nose, blocking my vision until I had to tilt my chin up to look at him.

“I’ve noticed,” he said in a dry tone. But there was the fraction of a smirk on his lips, easing the bite of his words.

He returned to the door and opened it. Rain thundered outside in a blue-gray downpour, spilling into the ship and puddling on the floor. He jumped out and sank up to his knees in mud. He turned back to me, hand extended.

“There are mud pits everywhere out here,” he said. “Some of them are deep. Watch your step.”

I didn’t need him to help me out of the ship but we were speaking to each other in a civil way now and I didn’t want to do anything to break that fragile balance we were carefully piecing back together, so I took his hand and jumped down. The movement sent a jolt through my rib cage and made my head throb, but I gritted my teeth, grateful for the hood hiding most of my face.

Cassian didn’t move. I glanced up and found him looking down at me, watching, waiting.

“I’m fi…ready to go,” I said.

He waited a second longer before he pulled his hand away from mine and the cold rain coursed through the emptiness of my palm where the warmth of his skin had been. He continued forward, picking his steps carefully, and I followed after him.

But the rain had made the ground twice as difficult to find solid footing, with small rivers snaking through the burping, spitting mud. I slipped and flung an arm out to catch myself on the ship only to find myself already waist deep in the thick, cold mud.

Cassian started back to me but I pulled myself up before he could reach me.

“Not a word,” I said.

“Told you.”

“Feel better now?”

“Actually, I do. Thank you for asking.”

There. That smirk he’d been hiding earlier peeked out a little more. My toes were already going numb and the mud made my clothes stick to me in the most uncomfortable way but at least Cassian wasn’t angry with me anymore. Maybe still a little pissed, but I wouldn’t hold that against him. I was pissed at myself for getting us into this mess in the first place…

Cassian stopped at an open panel behind the left wing and handed the new fuel lines to me.

“I’ll pull the old lines out from the top,” he said. “And you thread the new ones in through the engine up to me.”

“But it’s harder to push the new ones in,” I pointed out. “You’ll have more patience with that than I will.”

He shot me a look. “You’re not going up there.”

I bit back a sigh. It seemed not fighting would require much more self-control than I had originally thought.

I nodded. “All right,” I said, a little too tightly. “This is me listening to you. Doing what I’m told.” I turned to the open panel and unwound the fuel lines, working out any kinks in the tubing.

I swear I heard Cassian growl as he climbed up and buried his hands in the ship.

Working in the rain made everything a thousand times harder. It seeped through my jacket within only a few minutes, plastering my hair to my forehead, slithering down my spine in icy streams. My fingers grew stiff and cold as I fumbled to fit the fuel lines through the engine system by feel alone. At the base, I would have had plenty of light to work by, making this job much easier, but out here on this deserted and very wet moon, I had only a gray, misty glow that did nothing to penetrate the thick shadows of the ship’s system.

A job that would only take a few minutes in the comfortable, dry base took four hours of freezing rain, generous amounts of swearing, and slipping in more mud than I ever wanted to see again in my life.

Finally, the fuel lines were in place and Cassian climbed down the ship with a nudge to my arm as he pointed to the door. I picked my way back carefully but as I tried to pull myself inside, my ribs blazed. I paused, inhaling against the pain.

Cassian didn’t say anything as he stood behind me. I could practically feel the disapproval and concern rolling off of him. Before I could try again, he put his hands on my waist and lifted me up far enough that I could pull myself all the way in. He climbed up after me and shut the door.

“Take off your clothes,” he said, unbuttoning his jacket with one hand as he hauled blankets down from the storage compartment.

My muscles felt too tight, locked up from the cold rain, and even the smallest amount of movement hurt. So I just stood there, shivering, my nose buried in the soggy collar of my jacket.

“No offense,” I said, my words jumpy and twitchy through my chattering teeth. “Not really in the mood for angry sex at the moment.”

Cassian glanced over his shoulder, prepared to fire off some retort in return, but when he saw me, he stopped.

“You’re shaking. And your lips are almost purple.”

He took my hand in a firm grip for a second, testing my skin temperature, then let go, shedding clothes even faster now.

“You don’t need hypothermia on top of everything else, sweetheart, and…”

That one word, so solid and familiar. I’d missed it so much in the flurry of bitter words we’d flung at each other, missed the way he said it.

Maybe it was the fight. Maybe it was because my body hurt…everywhere. Or maybe it was that tiny black spot of fear that had been worming around in my head for days, whispering and poisonous, telling me he was distancing himself for one reason alone and it wasn’t good.

Whatever it was, it broke me. My throat went tight and I ducked my head, eyes screwed shut.

“Hey, hey,” Cassian said, moving to stand in front of me, “don’t close your eyes, don’t pass out on me.”

I shook my head. “I’m not.”

“Then what…?”

“I never would have left the base if I knew it would make you so upset.”

“Oh sweetheart,” he sighed. He placed his hands on either side of my face and tipped my head up to look at him. “Yes you would have.”

“But…”

“That’s who you are. Nothing stops you, even after almost getting killed. But right now, could you _please_ get out of your wet clothes? Your skin is like ice. It’s scaring me and you’ve done enough of that already.”

I laughed a little and raised my trembling, stiff hands to the buttons on my jacket. Cassian glanced down and moved my hands away, worked the buttons free and stripped my jacket off. As he tugged my shirt off, his gaze fell on the bloody bandages around my rib cage and he hesitated, one finger hooked in my belt.

“Busted a few stitches in the crash,” I explained.

He grunted in disapproval and didn’t say anything else, making quick work of the rest of my clothing as well as his. He wrapped a blanket around my shoulders then sat on the floor and held his arms out to me.

“Come here,” he said.

I opened my mouth to make some wise crack about doing what I’m told but before I could say anything, he raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t even think about it,” he said.

“Take all the fun out of everything,” I mumbled and climbed into his arms.

He was so deliciously, impossibly warm as I lay against his chest, my head tucked in the curve of his throat and shoulder. When my hand brushed against his side, he made a small, strangled noise.

“Freezing,” he said through gritted teeth.

I snatched my fingers away but he took my hand, rubbing my fingers between his.

“All I want to do is tell you that you’re never allowed off base after this,” he said.

I huffed a laugh. “Like that would work.”

He scrubbed his hands over my back and arms in an effort to get my blood circulating.

“Why do you think I haven’t said it?” he replied. “It’s a waste of breath.”

He turned to kiss my forehead and I closed my eyes.

“Can we not fight like that ever again?” I asked in a small whisper.

His hand came to rest at the back of my head. His other arm went still around my shoulders, tightening a fraction of an inch.

“What I said before…” he started.

“You were right.”

“No I wasn’t. Far from it actually.”

“I never considered how you must feel. I only thought about myself.”

“You have to do what needs to be done, I understand that. How I feel doesn’t matter.”

I frowned and pulled away from him to look him in the eye, tugging a corner of the blanket tighter against the chill of being away from his body heat.

“It does to me.”

“Then how I feel _can’t_ factor in to what you do. I can’t be a distraction for you.”

“Okay well…that’s bullshit.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

“It sounds a lot like you want out, Cassian, and if you do, just…” I took in a breath. “Say it.”

He studied me for a moment, shock and horror at war in his eyes.

“How can you think that?” he said.

The quietness of his words, the softness of his tone, made that one simple question hit me square in the gut and I braced a hand against the floor, shaking my head.

“I don’t know,” I sighed, defeated. “Ever since that one night we spent together, you’ve been…weird. One minute, your ice cold and shutting me out. The next minute, you’re flaming hot and ripping me to shreds because you’re so worried that I went off world for an hour or two. To be honest, Cassian, the only thing I’m sure of at this point is that I’m confused and I really don’t want to be anymore.”

A heartbeat of silence filled the ship. I couldn’t look at Cassian, couldn’t look at his face and see what I dreaded, even though it was the only thing I wanted to do. I waited. One word, one tiny word, yes or no, that’s all I needed.

“I am…” he said, his voice rough and shaky. He cupped my face in his hands and gently raised my head to look at him. “…head over heels in love with you.”

I blew out a breath of relieved laughter and wrapped my arms around his neck. His arms came around me crushingly tight.

“Scares the hell out of me,” he added, his voice cracking on the last word and he buried his face in my shoulder, adjusting his grip to hold me even closer. “I’ll always be scared for you, sweetheart, you’ll always do that to me.”

“You’ve been so skittish lately, I thought…” I shook my head. “I didn’t know what to think.”

“I hated seeing you so frustrated but I couldn’t…couldn’t tell you. I’m terrified that…” he took in a shuddering breath, “…that I’ll lose you. It feels as if you’ll…vanish the second I touch you, like you’re not even real and I’ll wake up and you’ll be…”

He stopped and I could feel his breath hitch, feel him struggling to stay composed. I gave him a moment before I pulled back and brushed his damp hair away from his forehead. My chest ached at the look in his eyes, the tears barely held at bay. He really was terrified.

“I’m right here,” I said. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

He nodded and his hands came to rest on my waist, heavier this time with confidence, but there was still a sliver of hesitation, lingering.

“Touch me like you mean it, Andor,” I said.

His hands flexed, fingertips biting into my skin. He pulled his knees up making me slide towards him until I was straddling his hips and I hooked my legs around his waist.

“That’s better,” I said, pressing a kiss and a smile to his lips.

His hand slid along my jawline, fingers buried in my hair. My hands skimmed down his sides and he sucked in a breath before he caught my hands in his and blew on them.

“By the way,” I said, “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

He looked up with a flash of that old, familiar annoyance and it sent a warm thrill through me. Maybe we would be okay after all, given enough time to heal the wounds we had inflicted on each other.

“I appreciate your honesty,” he said, “but a little tact and sensitivity might be nice every once in a while.”

I kissed him lightly to ease the sting of my words.

“You don’t pull away because you’re scared, Cassian. I’m scared too, every time you leave base without me or you end up in a fight and I can’t get to you. Make the most out of the time you do have with me. Make it count. Don’t hold back because you’re worried I’ll be gone. Otherwise you might miss out on all this.”

I gestured to myself, still smelling like swamp water, my hair wet and limp, my skin streaked with mud.

“Now that would be a tragedy,” he said, a grin blossoming across his face.

He pushed away from the wall and the blanket fell from my shoulders as he kissed me hard, a clash of teeth and tongue. He hooked his arms around me, one hand cradling the back of my head as he rose up on his knees. Without breaking away, he spread me out beneath him on the ship’s floor, kissing his way down my body, tongue sliding over my skin with the occasional scrape of teeth.

There was a desperation to him this time, filling every touch of his lips, every bite, every glide of his fingertips with relief and hunger and sheer unbridled _want_ straining through him. I curled my fingers into his hair and gave a little tug. He hummed in response, his breath skating over my skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind as he made his way back up to me, licking into my mouth so completely and without a single trace of hesitation that I couldn’t help but whimper.

“Thank the stars,” I gasped. “Been trying to get you to do that for days.”

He chuckled, a low, deep rumble against my collarbone. “Why didn’t you just say so?”

Then his mouth closed over my breast and I couldn’t think of a response to fire back at him, could only arch against him with the breath of a curse despite the burn igniting through my ribs. He put a hand on my hip and pushed me flat to the floor again, holding me in place as he drifted down my body, nudged his nose at the hollow of my hip, and kissed the inside of my knee.

I reached out to touch him in return, to make him tremble, but he caught my wrists.

“Oh no, no, no,” he said with a small laugh. “Your hands are cold. Keep them to yourself.”

“Then quit slacking and warm ‘em up, Andor.”

He splayed his fingers wide, our palms together, and curled his fingers into mine. He pushed my hands above my head and pinned my arms to the floor with a teasing smirk. But it vanished the second I raised my hips up and brought the full length of my body against his, the hot, hard weight of his cock trapped between us.

Cassian hissed a curse and shifted to the side, releasing one of my hands just enough for me to slip through his grasp. I cupped his face in my hand and nipped at his bottom lip. He curled his fingers over my hip and lifted me only a few careful inches before he slid into me.

My head dropped back against the floor, eyes closed, and neither one of us moved. The only sound in the ship was our ragged breathing as we stayed that way for several blissfully agonizing seconds.

“God I missed you,” I said.

In response, Cassian pulled out and pushed back into me in one long, slow, deep thrust that made my breath stutter in my throat. A shivery, barely-there curse fell from my lips and he did it again. I pressed my forehead to his shoulder, my mouth grazing his collarbone, tasting the salt of his skin mingled with the lingering sweetness of raindrops.

My hand settled on the back of his neck and I tugged at his earlobe with my teeth. “Harder,” I whispered.

He paused, nosing at the curve of my throat. He was thinking about it, I could tell, he wanted to. But his need to make sure I wasn’t hurt would always override what he wanted.

My hand skimmed down his back and bit into his ass, a demand for more. He snapped his hips into me automatically then pulled out and stopped. He raised his head to look at me and I nodded with a smile. He placed his hand feather-light against the side of my neck, his thumb brushing my jawline and pounded into me.

Then his hands and mouth were everywhere, crushing me against him, touching every square inch of skin he could possibly reach. I hooked an arm around his shoulders, lifting myself off the ground even more until he was pushing up into me, over and over, as if he couldn’t hold me tight enough, couldn’t kiss me enough, couldn’t touch me enough, to curb that starved craving inside him.

I took his face in my hands and sucked his tongue into my mouth, drawing a groan of mercy from him. And that was all it took to send both of us over the edge. The kiss was broken, mouths open on a gasp of pleasure. He managed to thrust into me one more time and his head dropped to my collarbone, my hands tangled in his hair as I shuddered, his arms locked around me so, so tight, as if he could leave an imprint of my body against his.

Cassian dropped forward, barely putting an arm out in time to catch himself and stop his fall, setting me on the floor. I didn’t let go, didn’t _want_ to let him go, and he didn’t either, judging by the way he eased his body down against mine, his head resting on my chest.

Minutes faded one after the other as we lay there, the silence wrapped around us, warm and comforting, with the soft beat of the rain outside, fingertips ghosting over skin.

Finally, Cassian said, very low, very quiet, “I have nightmares about you.”

My fingers went still. I waited, letting him continue if he wanted to. This couldn’t be easy for him to admit, much less say out loud.

“Every time I close my eyes,” he said. “I see you fall. You’re bleeding out. You’re not breathing. And I can’t…I can’t help you. I can’t protect you, keep you safe.”

“That’s why you haven’t been sleeping?”

He nodded and pulled away to sit next to me. I took his hand and pushed myself up to kiss his shoulder.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

He placed a hand against my cheek and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Living through it once was more than enough. I thought…maybe if I worked harder, kept moving, kept myself busy, I’d be too tired to remember what happened.”

“Well that didn’t work, did it?”

He snorted and shook his head. “Seems like it only made things worse.”

I gently bit his shoulder and smiled up at him. “I’m still here. You’ve still got my back. And you’re still stuck with me.”

He tucked me under his arm and rested his chin on top of my head.

“We’re still stuck on this planet too,” he sighed.

I grinned as I kissed him. “It has its perks.”

He laughed softly. “You’re terrible.”

“I know.”

[][][]

I don’t remember returning to the base. I was asleep in the back of the ship, exhausted, cold, and wet, wrapped in all the blankets Cassian had on board. I was fully prepared to admit that he had a point. Staying on Yavin 4 until I was fully healed sounded like the best idea in the world.

Through my haze of sleep, I felt Cassian’s hand come to rest on the top of my head, smoothing over my hair.

“We’re home, sweetheart,” he whispered.

I slowly opened my eyes with a groan. He helped me sit up against the soreness in my ribs and pulled me to my feet. He stayed by my side as he walked me back to my room, one arm around my shoulders. When we reached the last hallway with my room at the end of it and no one was around, he scooped me into his arms.

“What are you doing?” I demanded. “I can walk just fine.”

“I know you can.”

“Then why am I not walking?”

“Because I’m kind of attached to you. Humor me here.”

Cassian carried me back to my room and set me on my bed. He tugged off my boots, peeled the damp blankets away and dropped them on the floor before he shed his own clothes and climbed into bed next to me. Despite all we’d been through within the last few hours, his eyes were still wide open, staring at the ceiling.

I rolled over on my side and slid my hand into his. “You have to sleep, Cassian,” I whispered.

He turned his head to look at me. A flash of the same terror I saw in his eyes on that forested moon was still there, lurking, an unwelcome shadow in his mind. He reached for me, his fingers curled around the back of my neck, his forehead pressed to mine for a moment. And when he kissed me this time, there wasn’t a hint of lingering hesitation, no holding back.

I fell asleep that way, my hand drifting up to rest against his chest, barely registering his hand covering mine, his fingers curled into my palm. I slept too hard to know if he had nightmares or not but when I woke, my hand was lying against empty sheets and I sighed.

So he was gone without saying anything again…

Then I felt the sheets pulled down from my back, felt the bed dip beneath Cassian’s weight. I started to turn over, to ask what he was doing when his breath fanned over my skin, light and warm and ticklish. He brushed a lock of my hair aside and placed a kiss at the base of my neck followed by another and another, slow and easy and unhurried. Making the most of the time he had with me before duty swept him away.

And I smiled into my pillow. Cassian Andor would always come back to me.


End file.
